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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039134">like a sucker punch</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbreather/pseuds/starbreather'>starbreather</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, PTDS, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shadowhunter are so bad at mental health, mental health matters!, small things from books</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:21:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbreather/pseuds/starbreather</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As a shadowhunter, Alec has been surrounded by death his whole life. Alec has imagined his death a million times over. Having a demon tear him apart, sacrificing himself for his siblings- but any scenario he had envisioned hadn’t been as bad as what he’d just been captive to in his mind. Bleeding out alone, with Jace’s smiling face leering over him. </p><p>But Alec wasn’t angry at Jace, couldn’t hate his brother even if he killed him. The night where Jace was possessed and attempted to murder Alec, Alec forgave him instantly. So why had he had this dream? He fought demons, for Angel’s sake. Warriors weren’t supposed to have nightmares.  </p><p>OR </p><p>Alec is struggling with post-traumatic stress reactions and doesn't know what the Hell is happening because he doesn't think he's been through any trauma. His support system is amazing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>like a sucker punch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! This is set after season 2! Thank you for checking this out!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>An arrow finds purchase in Alec’s knee and he falls to the ground of the alleyway , landing awkwardly underneath his injured leg. His memory is hazy, as if doesn’t exactly know why he was here or how his guard was let down so much that he allowed an attack so obvious to befall him.</p><p>His head jerks around, eager to find Jace or Izzy or even Clary, but the space he remembered them just being seconds ago is filled only by air and the dark figure of his attacker approaching. </p><p>He reaches behind his back to grab one of his own arrows , to defend himself so he can get up and get help and go home, but just as soon as his arm goes behind him a knife is digging into his chest. Deep and unforgiving, the pain the shadowhunter feels resonating throughout him makes him wonder if this is truly his end.</p><p>A bitter laugh is muffled with the blood that’s gathering on his chin,  filling his mouth, because Alec can’t believe that after fighting so hard for himself to be happy and whole and together, that he dies alone and terrified. Except, he realizes as his murderer pulls the knife out of Alec’s body, he’s not completely alone. He collapses on the ground and the face of his attacker, his sole companion in death, comes into focus. </p><p>HIs parabatai is above him grinning, smiling, his mouth moving but Alec can’t make out the words and his vision starts to fade.  </p><p>“Jace,” he mutters with his dying breath and even then it’s laced with affection. </p><p>*</p><p>“Alec!” his boyfriend yells as Alec heaves forward, sheets slipping down his bare chest. He blinks continuously as his room comes into focus, and he is no longer bleeding out onto the cold floor of a dirty building. Breaths enter his body frantically and Magnus is speaking to him, but Alec doesn’t hear anything until arms wrap around his shoulders, pressing him into his lover’s body. </p><p>Within the touch he feels himself, whole and uninjured as he slumps against Magnus, filled with both exhaustion and relief. </p><p>Magnus pulls Alec back so that he can look into his eyes, the question of his boyfriend’s well being clearly on his mind. Alec’s breath is coming and going fast and Magnus places his hand flat across Alec’s chest. “Deep breaths, Alexander.”</p><p>Alec swallows down his fear, and is surprised he doesn't choke. He does as instructed and feels better after a few inhales.  “I'm fine Magnus,” He says once he has the air available to do so, but the words still come out shaky. “It was just a nightmare.” </p><p>“Just a nightmare? ”The warlock shakes his head, panicking. “ You were terrified- you wouldn't wake up and- ” </p><p>“It wasn't real.” Alec says, trying to reassure himself as well as his boyfriend. He can still feel himself shaking. “I'm safe.”</p><p>Magnus touches the shadow hunter’s hand, rubbing circles against his palm while Alec breathes.  “Alec,” he says, and Alec’s chest tightens at the emotion in Magnus’ voice, scared and serious. “Have you had nightmares like this before?” </p><p>“I’m okay,” he lies, deflecting. “It was just a nightmare,” he repeats, a silent mantra that he hopes will sink in. </p><p>“ I can’t protect you from your own mind, Alexander. I’ll always fight for you, but you need to fight for yourself too.” </p><p>“I know,” Alec says.Magnus stares for a second before Alec talks again. “I’m just not ready to talk right now.” </p><p>“Okay,” his boyfriend says softly,and he’s glad Magnus doesn’t fight him. “What can I do?” </p><p>“Right now, nothing. I think I’ll go to the Institute, I need to see Jace.” </p><p>His head feels dark and heavy and he can’t be here.</p><p>Magnus nods. </p><p>Alec walks towards him and kisses him once. “Thank you,” he says and means it. </p><p>*</p><p>As a shadowhunter, he’d been surrounded by death his whole life. Alec had imagined his death a million times over. Having a demon tear him apart, sacrificing himself for his siblings- but  any scenario he had envisioned hadn’t been as bad as what he’d just been captive to in his mind. Bleeding out alone, with Jace’s smiling face leering over him. </p><p>But Alec wasn’t angry at Jace, couldn’t hate his brother even if he murdered him. The night where Jace was possessed and attempted to murder Alec, Alec forgave him instantly. So why had he had this dream? He fought demons, for Angel’s sake. Warriors weren’t supposed to have nightmares.  </p><p>*</p><p>When Alec arrives  at the Institute, he sees Jace.</p><p>“Jace,” he says and his brother looks up at him. Alec fights the wave of anxiety that comes over him, feels shame parallel it’s travel, and tries to put  on a smile. </p><p>“Alec,” Jace says, his eyebrow furrowing as he takes in Alec’s appearance. “Are you okay.”</p><p>“Of course.” The words came out less wobbly then he thought they would. “Why do you ask?”</p><p>“You’re wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday”</p><p>Alec looks down at himself and realizes Jace is right. “They’re all black,” he tries to joke.  “How would you know?”</p><p>“You moved in with Magnus, right? All your clothes are there?”</p><p>“I was in a rush.”</p><p>“You’re a half hour early.” </p><p>When Alec was backed into a corner, he did what he did worst: he lied. “I- uh- thought this would be a better time to hunt demons at,” he says lamely. </p><p>“You’re being weird today,” Jace replies, but looks back down at the device in his hands. “I’ll come hunting with you, though.” Alec nods, because what else could he do. He decides to leave it at that and walks away from Jace, heading towards the sparring room to get some gear. </p><p>He didn’t realize he only felt like he could breathe after Jace wasn’t in sight.  </p><p>*</p><p>An hour later, two Lightwoods and one Herondale were found wandering the streets, somewhat haggard and covered in gore but for the most part feeling accomplished and uninjured. Well, unjuried except for Jace.</p><p>“Tell me again,” Isabelle  said through muffled laughter, “how you thought you could seduce a demon.”</p><p>The comment made Alec laugh. He had been surprisingly okay during everything. Seeing Jace kill demons didn’t trigger him for some reason and he was thankful for small blessings. </p><p>His parabatai sent him a glare and continued limping. “It was a bet with Clary, and you know full well I’m not turning down a bet when it concerns how sexually attractive I am.” </p><p>Izzy grimaced. “We all have our limits, Jace, and you crossed yours around 10 minutes ago. And if it had worked, then what? It’s like you're asking to get demon pox.”</p><p>“Well first of all, thank you for accepting the disease’s existitance, but for your information I wouldn’t have actually done anything. Even sleeping with another species is still cheating Izzy.”</p><p> Alec's mind wanders as Jace continues talking, and he doesn’t realize where they are until they’re in an alleyway with two large buildings on either side of them. Suddenly, he feels panic overtake him and is frozen in place. His breathing starts to pick up and he feels just like he did in his dream, like he’s dying. Even through the panic, dread and sadness swirl inside of him. . He can feel the cool metal of a knife digging in deep into his warm body, can smell  stall air and sweat and blood. </p><p>“Alec,” a voice says, and then Jace was standing in front of him. He’s not on the ground, his mind knows he wasn’t in danger, but his body is dying. There’s a heavy weight on his chest, and there’s pain where the knife had dug in so many nights ago. </p><p>“Jace,” he tries to get through his rapid breaths. His chest is concaving and his legs are so weak they give out underneath him. He’s on his knees and holding his head with both hands. </p><p>“What’s happening?” he hears Jace ask Izzy, who’s now beside Alec too. </p><p>“I don’t know!” she says, panicked. </p><p>Alec can feel Jace crouch next to him on the ground. “Alec,” he repeats, but his hands seem frozen, hovering over Alec but afraid to touch. “You need to breathe.”</p><p>And just like last night with Magnus, Alec knows Jace is right. He tries to draw in a deep breath and feels like he’s choking but keeps going. Eventually he feels his heartbeat start to slow down and then his panic is replaced with exhaustion. </p><p>Jace looks at him.  “Are you okay?” The question is said softly, laced with worry.</p><p>Alec looks around. He’s on the ground, now sitting on his butt. He sees Isabelle standing next to a crouched Jace, and takes in her scared face.</p><p>“I’m fine,” he says and he knows he’s lying. </p><p>“What was that?” Jace asks. </p><p>“I’m fine,” Alec repeats as he stands up on shaky legs. This time the words come out rougher and stronger. Starting to walk away, he feels anger and shame and insecurity all at once, and wonders what’s wrong with him. He’s having dreams of his best friend murdering him, his parabatai and brother for Angel’s sake. What kind of warrior was he? What kind of brother?</p><p>“Alec,” he hears Jace and Izzy call out as he walks away but he doesn’t turn around and is thankful when they don’t follow. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Magnus' yell greets Alec as he knocks on the loft's door. “It's open!”</p><p>“Magnus,” he says as he enters, and, not seeing him at first, walks further into the loft. He reaches the living room, sees three bodies standing in the room, and groans. </p><p>“Izzy,” Alec says as everyone turns to look at him. “Jace.” he swallows. “What are you guys doing here?” </p><p> “You walked away,” Izzy says as if that explains everything. </p><p>“And that gives you the right to tell Magnus?” </p><p>“I’m sorry we went behind your back,” Izzy says seriously, but still scared. “But we didn’t know where else to turn.” </p><p>He knows they’re concerned for him, knows that they were dealing with this unfamiliar situation by ear. He knows he scared them, and he hates it. </p><p>Magnus looks at him. “What’s happening, Alec.” </p><p>Alec collapses on the couch, putting his face in the lams of his hands, frustrated and exhausted and not ready for this conversation. “I don’t know,” He says honestly. His voice wavering with sadness and fear. ”I don’t know how to do this.”</p><p>“Do what?” Magnus asks softly as he sits down next to him. The warlock takes his boyfriend's hands, gently pulls them from his face, and holds on to them. </p><p>“Any of today,” he says, frustrated and hopeless and on the verge of a breakdown. “I don’t know how to have this conversation; I don’t know what’s going on with me. I- I keep having  memories of the night where- when Jace was possessed- and we were in the alleyway- and-”</p><p>“Of the night you almost died,” Magnus says, tender and nonthreatening. </p><p>Alec nods his head. “I don’t understand.” </p><p>“You’re okay,” his boyfriend says. “You’re not broken, Alec.” </p><p>“But I am!” Alec says. “I’m a shadowhunter, this isn’t supposed to happen!” </p><p>“Alec,” Jace says and Alec looks up at him. “That night was a living Hell. None of his should’ve gone through it. We’re shadowhunters, we’re warriors. But that doesn’t mean we deserved to go through that, and it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” </p><p>“But you’re all fine!” </p><p>Jace scoffs. “I was possessed and forced to attack my parabatai. I might not be going through what you are but it doesn’t mean I’m fine.”</p><p>Magnus pauses for a second, considering  his words. “I think you’re having a post-traumatic stress reaction, Alexander.”</p><p>“I haven’t been through any trauma,” Alec denies. “We’ve all been through shit, but I’m not traumatized.” </p><p>“It’s not unusual, Alec, and it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It just means you’re human.” </p><p>“I don’t even know what a flashback is.”</p><p>“Shadownhunters and their mental health stigma,” he sighs. “ I really shouldn’t be surprised. The thing you had today in the alleyway might have been a flashback. I don’t know exactly what you were feeling and I’m not a doctor, but it was likely triggered by being in surroundings or scent  that was similar to something the night before.”</p><p>“So I’m messed up?” He asks. </p><p>“Not at all,” Magnus says. “I’ve had my fair share of flashbacks too.” </p><p>“I’ve had nightmares before,” Jace admits. “ And I’m the toughest guy out here. I’d bet a  lot of Shadowhunters have bad dreams.”</p><p>“If you’re messed up, we’re all messed up,” Izzy says. “We can’t pretend that the things we’ve seen and  been through don’t affect us. No matter how much we’d like to, and I for one, would really like to.”</p><p>“So this is just how my life is going to be forever? Having a nightmare of Jace and freaking out when I walk down an alleyway?” </p><p>“Not at all,” Magnus assures. “There’s treatment for post-traumatic stress. You just might need to see a therapist.” </p><p>Alec stares at him, unsure of what to say, grateful for his family, but still embarrassed and overwhelmed. </p><p>“You’re going to be okay, Alexander.” </p><p>“Sure, I will.” </p><p>“I’ve been alive for many centuries, Alec. You’re going to be okay. It’s not going to be easy or fun, but iIt’s going to get better.” </p><p>Sitting next to Jace, Izzy, and Magnus, Alec doesn’t feel alone,. He doesn’t know if he’ll never has a nightmare or flashback again, but he trusts Magnus. He trusts his siblings and knows that he’s not by himself. </p><p>“You’re going to be okay,” his boyfriend repeats and Alec thinks he might belive him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>demon pox are something from the books which, if you haven't read them yet, I highly encourage you to. This fic started off as a very different thing then it ended as but I'm kind happy with it! Thank you so much for reading, and leave a comment and kudos if you'd like!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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